Posts
-
The Publisher, the Prostate, the Plumber and the Shower Scene
The offices of Hyperion Publishing were sleek and modern, all glass walls and minimalist furniture and shelves displaying books by authors who had actually finished writing things. Barry sat in a leather chair that was far too soft for a man who spent his days crawling under sinks, clutching a notebook filled with his handwritten…
-
United Nations, the Plumber, the Prostate and Mrs Zeta Jones
The United Nations General Assembly Hall was a cathedral of diplomacy, a monument to international cooperation, a place where world leaders gathered to discuss matters of grave global importance. Today, it was hosting Catherine Zeta-Jones giving a PowerPoint presentation about erectile dysfunction. The delegates sat in their assigned seats, wearing headphones through which translators furiously…
-
The ED University Speech from Barry the Unblocked Plumber
The Great Hall of Sydney University had never seen anything quite like it. Then again, the Great Hall of Sydney University had never hosted the annual Funnel Envy Conference before—a fact that was made abundantly clear by the confused expressions of the academics in attendance, who had expected a symposium on hydraulic engineering and were…
-
Weight Loss, erectile dysfunction, a plumber and secret exercise
The morning after the hospital visit, Catherine Zeta-Jones found herself pacing her Milsons Point apartment like a caged tiger in silk pyjamas. The harbour glittered below, Luna Park’s painted grin seemed to mock her with its frozen mirth, and somewhere in the distance, a ferry horn blared its indifference to her spiralling thoughts. She had…
-
The plumber, the hospital and Gaga, Zeta and Rihanna
The morning sun over Sydney Harbour was gentler than the previous day’s blaze, a soft apology for the emotional carnage of the afternoon before. Catherine Zeta-Jones stood at her floor-to-ceiling window, watching the ferries cut white trails across the water, and felt something she hadn’t expected: hope. Or perhaps it was just the caffeine from…
-
Zeta and plumbers with ED and funnel envy
The Hollywood Hills sun, a relentless, golden tyrant, had absolutely no business being in Sydney, and yet, there it was—or rather, its southern hemisphere equivalent, a blazing antipodean orb that bled through the floor-to-ceiling windows of Catherine Zeta-Jones’s palatial Milsons Point apartment. It illuminated dust motes dancing like tiny, carefree ballerinas, a stark contrast to…